Mother’s Day: Guilt, Suffering and a Glorious Promise

Posted on May 12, 2014 by samanthaqlawing under Life, Thoughts

The day after my first Mother’s Day, I was sitting in my rocking chair, holding my chubby sleeping 5-month-old, studying his eyelashes and the slope of his forehead…and I began to cry. I have cried many times in the last few months while holding this particular pile of sleepiness, usually out of an overwhelmed oh-my-gosh-I-never-thought-I-could-love-someone-so-much feeling.

But this time it was different.

I cried because I felt sad. And guilty.

I feel sad because I know countless women who live day-to-day in a lonely, familyless, babyless place, who long for life in their womb, snuggles in their arms, and/or a husband to come home to. I know others who have had Life in their bellies only to have to say goodbye to that most precious little one. Others had babies who spent more time in the NICU than in the womb, and some never got to come home. Still other parents are wanting to graciously bring home children born to someone else, yet are wandering through a desert wasteland of unexplained waiting. I feel sick thinking about all this suffering…

I feel guilty that my baby is so healthy, so happy, and that he’s mine. I feel guilty that I’ve wanted children so badly since I was a tiny kid, and I got one. First I got a husband who still takes my breath away and loves me harder that I ever hoped. Then we got this precious boy who lights up the room and takes my breath away in a whole new way.

And it’s just not fair.

Now, Jesus is dealing with me regarding this guilt thing; I know it’s not healthy or helpful for anyone. But at the root of the heaviness is the knowledge that I just don’t deserve the good things in my life. I believe God gives us these desires for marriage and families and babies. And sometimes he gives these things, and it’s rich and wonderful. But other times he doesn’t. Or he cuts the time short. And we are left with that lonely, burning question: WHY?

And I absolutely do not have an answer to that question…

But I know what the Word says about the character of God:

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good things does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.” (Psalm 84:11)

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

But Jesus also said,

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

When Jesus makes a statement like that, we can take it as a promise. He PROMISES tribulation in this world. But he also offers Himself and the victory he has over all things as an eternal salve for our wounds.

Truly, everyone suffers. If it’s not for lack or loss of family, it’s for the lack of money, the absence of community, the loss of a dream, or something else. We may not all experience the same hardships, but we are all united in that we ALL SUFFER. And we can be united in seeing our need for something bigger than what we can conjure up to satisfy our souls. And Jesus is that. At the root of every desire is a longing for joy, love, acceptance, companionship, and purpose. And those things Jesus gives freely to all who ask.

As I stare at my precious, healthy child, I can only think of one thing: I simply don’t deserve this sweet gift. I am not worthy. And the truth is, none of us are.

And that’s the Gospel.

We didn’t deserve Christ’s substitutionary death for us, or even ask for it. It was “while we were yet sinners…while we were enemies of God we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son.” (Romans 5:8-9) And there is no good thing in this life that we have lived righteously enough to have earned. To believe otherwise exposes a pride that thereby disqualifies us from self-earned salvation. Yet God offers a gift greater than children, greater than family or wealth or happiness: HIMSELF.

I pray that you who are reading this who are walking through unimaginable pain and heartache, that you would fall on the arms of Jesus. That if the thought of Jesus being ENOUGH makes your angry or bitter or confused, that you would let go of those expectations and expect God to heal your wounds, hold your hand, direct your steps, and win your heart.

Because he sees you. And I see you. Your wounds are not forgotten or overlooked. You have a Savior who cares for you, who is familiar with suffering, and who loves his own glory enough to make good on every promise in his word.

AND THAT’S A LOT OF GOOD STUFF.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. … What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:18, 31-32)

*If you have questions or thoughts about this, please share!!*

Video

Evangelize?! That sounds like “vandalize”…

Evangelism. For most people who associate with Christianity, this is more uncomfortable than any four-letter word. We ask,

Isn’t trying to “convert” people kind of egocentric?

Do we really need to talk to people about Hell?

I’m not a pastor, why should I go around preaching?

Most people in America have heard the Gospel anyway…why beat a dead horse?

These are all great questions. Because I love lists, let’s address them one by one:

1. Isn’t trying to “convert” people kind of egocentric?

An authentic disciple of Jesus would love people the same way He does:

“When [Jesus] saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.’” (Matthew 9:36-38)

Jesus’s response to seeing masses of people with no spiritual direction was to mobilize his disciples to reach them. A disciple of Jesus chooses to answer this call because, like Jesus, we care about where people spend eternity… not because we want to watch people squirm or prove that they are wrong.

The first time I saw the movie “Hitch” this idea slapped me full in the face. If you know the storyline, Alex Hitchens (Will Smith) is a covert “date doctor” who helps guys learn how to woo their love interests with personalized (and genuine) romantic gestures. But Vance Munson, one of his potential “clients,” turns out to be a disgusting womanizer, only interested in women for one reason…

Vance: [after telling Hitch that he only wants a girl so he can sleep with her] “No, I was told that you help guys get in there.”

Hitch: “Right, but see, here’s the thing–my clients actually like women. ‘Hit it and quit it’ is not my thing.”

In the very same way, real Christians actually LOVE people. We’re not after conversion notches on our belts, and if a count of converts does become a source of pride and self-aggrandizement, shame on the church. Evangelism is NOT recruitment. Seeking to grow attendance numbers in a church as a way of measuring some worldly idea of “success” is an abomination of God’s design for spreading the Good News of Jesus.

“We are not, like so many, peddlers of God’s word, but as men of sincerity, as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ.” (2 Corinthians 2:17)

A real love for people’s souls will be a natural overflow of our own authentic salvation.

2. Do we really have to talk about Hell?

Penn Jillette, from the popular duo Penn & Teller, put out a great personal statement on the urgency of evangelism and his experience with a Christian (Penn is an Atheist):

“I’ve always said I don’t respect people who don’t proselytize,” Penn says. “I don’t respect that at all. … How much do you have to hate somebody to believe that everlasting life is possible and not tell them that??”

Here’s the thing. Christians didn’t make up the idea of Hell to ostracize people they don’t like. (That’s not to say some misguided Christians don’t continue to use idea of Hell to ostracize people they don’t like…unfortunately.) The truth about Heaven and Hell comes from the Word of God, who has the ultimate authority over the destiny of humanity:

“And this is the testimony, that God gave us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have the Son of God does not have life.” (1 John 5:1-12)

“And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in Hell… So everyone who acknowledges me [Jesus] before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 10:28-33)

God freely offers salvation to all those who fall at the feet of the Son saying, “I’ve got NOTHING to offer. My heart’s desire is to please myself, and I have betrayed you. I am headed toward my own ruin and destruction. SAVE ME.” And because God always fulfills his promises, HE DOES SAVE. He holds the keys to our eternal freedom, and he offers this freedom PRODIGIOUSLY.

The Gospel is a message of LIFE and HOPE, and “evangelism” is simply the action of explaining how one obtains this Life through Jesus. The word “evangelism” comes from the Greek word euangelio. The prefix eu (as in euphoric) means “good.” Angelio means “message” (as in, angels are messengers from God). So evangelism is literally “good-message.”

The church should not, by any means, sugar-coat anything. Hell is a very real place. (Scripture makes this clear in Matthew 7:13-14, Matthew 7:21-23, Romans 6:23, Isaiah 33:22, James 4:12, Revelation 20:11-15 and many others places.) And sometimes, an accurate explanation of what God says about sin IS called for. However, a guy standing on a street corner yelling to girls in short shorts that they are going to burn in Hell, this is NOT “good-messaging.” This is a presentation of a few biblically based concepts covered in theological bad breath. It’s repulsive.

Christians have not been commanded to parade their religiosity or condemn people. We don’t have that power anyway. Rather, we are are to INVITE people to Christ to…

drink of the Living Water,

experience abundant life,

confess our sin to one another,

be set FREE,

experience the infinite gain of knowing Christ,

and escape the righteous consequences of our sin—Hell—because Christ bore God’s wrath for us.

“Since we have such a hope, we are very bold.” (2 Corinthians 3:12)

3. I’m not a pastor, why should I go around preaching?

Pastors are the guys who get paid to do all the evangelism, right? WRONG. It was the disciples–the regular Joes–Jesus was talking to when he said,

“Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.” (Matthew 28:19-20)

It is the joyful obligation of every Christian to…

Do the work of an evangelist,

Let your light shine before others,

Be prepared to explain the reason for the hope that you have,

Be fishers of men.

But the vast majority of Christians are not sharing their faith, and have no idea how to facilitate a spiritual conversation with someone. I believe the reason is twofold:

1.) We live in a culture that nearly forbids open conversation about religion. People tend to think that if someone shares an idea with you that you don’t already identify with, they must see you as inferior and/or feel animosity toward you.

2.) Many American churches aren’t challenging people—despite cultural obstacles—to intentionally reach out with compassion and boldness. Also, Christians are not being taught how to talk about Jesus. Overall, churches are fostering a culture of milk, not solid food.

The writer of the book of Hebrews says,

“For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of Gods. You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.” (Hebrews 5:12-14)

It is the responsibility of pastors, elders, husbands, parents, and other leaders in the church—along with every Christian who leads another person to Christ–to equip new believers to feed themselves on the Word as well as to reproduce themselves, according to 2 Timothy 2:2.When believers are not equipped and challenged to reach beyond themselves to become everyday missionaries in their own communities, they will sink into complacent spiritual immaturity and end up living by their emotional impulses.

It doesn’t help that preaching in a lot of churches has become simply a running commentary on topical verses with motivational application points. Biblical exposition has tragically fallen by the wayside. By forsaking the “solid food” of scripture, pastors are lulling their congregations to sleep. So afraid of stepping on toes, they will avoid the hard stuff of scripture and paint a picture of a passive, nice Jesus.

But the Jesus of the Bible is a fierce warrior. A priest of a non-religion. A king from another world. A controversial politician. An unsuspecting servant. A role-challenging humanitarian. A thrilling adventurer. He never promised Christians a safe life or even a happy one. He promised persecution and suffering…along with unexplainable, other-worldly JOY.

If every Christ-follower was engaged deeply in a passionate love-relationship with THIS Jesus, personal evangelism would be an exciting, natural overflow.

4. Most non-Christians in America have heard the Gospel anyway…why beat a dead horse?

Miley Cyrus. Justin Bieber. The Kardashians.

What do these people have in common? They all say they are Christians. I have to admit, I do keep up with the Kardashians from time to time, but seriously… these people are not exactly models of the Christian faith. And I’m not just referring to the twerking.

Here’s the thing: liking the idea of God and thinking that Jesus was a cool guy does is NOT equal to salvation. Jesus is NOT your homeboy. He is not just a name to throw around at dinnertime or when your team needs one more touch-down. He is the Living God. The Beginning and the End. The Justifier and Judge. The Warrior on the White Horse. For those who will not submit to his Lordship, he is to be feared.

While 92% of Americans have attended church (according to the “Millennium Study” by Taylor Nelson Sofres Intersearch), just showing up for church does not make a person a Christian either. Christians are people who have fully surrendered their lives to Jesus and bear spiritual fruit by the power of his Spirit. So how do we get people from a church pew into the spiritual Body of Christ? By preaching the true Gospel.

“How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!’” (Romans 10:14-15)

To go on passively allowing people in your church to believe that just showing up gets them saved is heresy. To shy away from the hard truths of scripture because it will make someone uncomfortable is cruel and selfish. May we not bow down to a false god who strokes our egos and advocates self-indulgence. May we not be more interested in staying our comfort-zones than feeding lost people the Bread of Life!

You know that line, “preach the Gospel daily; use words if necessary”? THAT’S NOT BIBLICAL. Yes, your walk should match your talk, and actions DO speak louder than words. But let us not deceive ourselves into thinking that smiling, being nice and holding doors open for people will lead them “from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they might receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in [Jesus].” (Acts 26:18) We must engage in deep conversations and invite people to a point of decision… because to remain neutral about Jesus is to reject him.

My prayer is that every Christian who reads this will be motivated to begin asking gentle, caring questions of their friends, family and neighbors, trusting God’s Spirit to draw people to himself. We must plan to sit down in the mud and filth—just like Jesus does with us—and wrestle with the hard questions.

Why? Because Christians love people.

Baby TOMS!

Posted on February 5, 2014 by samanthaqlawing under Projects

I found a great pattern for these Baby TOMS at homemadetoast.com. I modified them just a little and this is what I got:

BAH! The cuteness is killing me!!

These were fairly simple to make! I started with 1/2 yard of a thin cotton fabric with equal amounts of fusible fleece interfacing to make it more sturdy and insulated. You’ll need just a scrap of fabric for the inside liner and even less for the bottom of the sole. You’ll also need 4″ of 3/4-inch elastic and 12″ of 1/4-inch elastic. Have scissors, straight pins and an iron on hand, too.

Credit to homemadetoast.com

Step 1:

Cut out all the pieces using the pattern above. The pieces should look like this (my two sole layers were already stuck together; you cant see, but there are two of each):

Step 2:

Attach the inner and outer layers of the sole either using spray adhesive or a few stitches.

Step 3:

With right-sides together, sew the straight sides of the inner and outer layers of the heel. Iron right sides out. **NOTE: These pieces ended up being waaaay too long when it came time to attach it to the sole. You can trim 1 – 1.5″ off either end of all heel layers.**

Step 4:

Lay a 6″ length of the 1/4-inch elastic between the layers of the heel piece, against the seam. Carefully sew a straight line along the edge.

Step 5:

Sew a zig-zag stich at one end of the elastic to secure it, then pull the other end to gather the top. Trim the elastic. (Remember, your pieces should look smaller and less bunchy than these. Mine ended up being way to big and I had to keep down-sizing!)

Step 6:

Cut a notch in the exact center of the triangle pieces. Fold the corners down to the inside and iron flat. Sew the right sides together, then turn right-side out. Iron everything flat again.

Don’t skip the ironing!

Step 7:

Insert a 2″ length of the 3/4-inch elastic between the layers of the triangles. Sew along the top edge as shown. (I like the double-stitch!)

Step 8:

Lay the triangle piece on top of the toe piece and sew together. Fold over the “pleats” of the toe and baste-stitch to secure.

What everything should look like so far.

Step 9:

After trimming any uneven edges, attach the ends of the heel pieces to the sides of top/toe pieces as shown, sewing along the line you already created. (Lay the heel part UNDER the top part; do NOT sew right-sides together!)

Step 10:

With right sides (or outsides) together, carefully pin the top portion to the sole piece, gathering the heel part as needed. (Don’t skip the pinning! I thought I could just wing it at first…and it was not cute….)

Step 11:

Trim the edges and flip right-side out. Now PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK and KISS YOUR BABY!!

We did it! How cute are these suckers?!?

6 Ways A Wife Can Ruin Her Marriage

Posted on February 1, 2014 by samanthaqlawing under Thoughts

I don’t presume to know all about how to build the perfect marriage. But as a girl who has tried the wrong way to do just about everything, I can’t keep my mouth shut after all the incredible lessons I’ve learned. Man, our God is so patient and faithful! He has kept me from ruining my own marriage in the last 3 years by exposing 6 lies I was believing:

All lies I tell you!!!

1. I can only respect my husband after he has earned it.

2. If I don’t point out my husband’s sin, he’ll never realize what he’s doing wrong.

3. When my husband hurts me, he is my enemy until he earns his way back into good standing.

4. I don’t have to be grateful for the things that are expected.

5. My man’s track record must dictate how I treat him.

6. My husband doesn’t really need anything from me; I can live to please myself.

So if you can’t see all the ways these things could wreak havoc on the beauty and intimacy God intended for marriage, allow me to explain. The Lord revealed 6 biblical counter-principles to combat all this ugliness:

1. Respect ought to be unconditional. As a woman, how would I feel if my husband said, “This meal you cooked sucks. Maybe I’ll love you more if you can improve the recipe.” Or, “Gosh, you sure are acting ugly today. I’ll love you again when you do something lovable.” That would be awful!! But a lot of women don’t realize that respect is the universal “love-language” of men. So throw out the Golden Rule and treat men not how you want to be treated (expecting gushy emotion-sharing and opinions on interior decorating), and give your man what he really wants and needs: Respect. Now, respect doesn’t mean agreeing with everything he does, ignoring repeated or intentional hurt, or submitting to his will unto sin. But it does mean that when he continually gets home late, doesn’t coddle your emotions the way you expect, spends money that makes you uncomfortable, or even if he fails monstrously at something and your whole family experience consequences, you are still *called by God* to esteem and honor him as the head of your family. We are accountable to God, who NEVER sins, NEVER fails, is NEVER insensitive or irresponsible. What’s more, God commanded this knowing that all men are imperfect and destined to mess things up. But he didn’t say, “respect your husband when he’s acting respectable,” just as he didn’t say “love your wife when she’s acting lovable.” So let’s stop degrading our men and making them work their way out of every hole they fall into. Let’s instead rally around them with abundant grace and gentle reassurance.

“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)

“Am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)

2. I can trust the Holy Spirit to convict sin. It is not my responsibility to repeatedly point out my husband’s sin issues or always try to “help” him see them. My trust and hope is in the Holy Spirit dwelling within him, who will NOT leave him in his sin. That’s the most beautiful thing about being married to a believer: if they have invited Jesus to be the ruler of their life, then they have been given a portion of the Godhead dwelling within them! So let’s give more credit to the power of the Spirit! My job, then, is to PRAY for his conviction and repentance, not for the sake of my own happiness but so that he can experience victory in his walk with The Lord. I can relieve myself from the burden of CONTROL and RESPONSIBILITY for his moral decisions, and instead treat him as if he had never sinned and already succeeded. I, too, have been forgiven MUCH by my God, who pours out grace upon grace!!

“He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior.” (Titus 3:5-6)

“When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth…” (John 16:13)

3. Criticism is not a motivator. At every point of conflict, I have a choice: I can choose to treat Michael like my best friend who I love–offering lavish encouragement, grace, respect, honor, and genuine care for him–or I can treat him as the enemy, making known his faults and my hurt, his failures and my righteousness. And then he must earn his way back into my favor. And sometimes–when it’s a really important issue–we girls do that really cute thing where we pout and put on our best forlorn face so that our husbands can *guess* what they did wrong. Because they should know right?!? Just STOP. Who in this world has EVER been truly motivated by rejection and criticism?! Not me!! And that’s the Gospel: when someone has really messed up, we *openly* acknowledge the wrong-doing and work together toward resolution while SIMULTANEOUSLY releasing that person from our debt, inviting them back into relationship in FULL. The good deeds of a Christian are not the PRECURSOR but the PRODUCT of God’s forgiveness. Real obedience comes from a genuine gratitude for what we have been lavishly given! In the same way, it is lavish forgiveness that will encourage and support our husbands toward moral rectitude. But watch out for how the Enemy will try to get a foothold here, like he did with me: if this becomes a manipulative I-will-forgive-you-if-you-promise-to-never-hurt-me-again thing, then the whole system breaks down. Because our identity and wholeness is found in our full redemption through Christ alone–NOT in approval or love from any person–we can pour out grace upon imperfect people and expect nothing in return. Only there is REAL freedom found.

“Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.'” (Matthew 18:21-22)

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up…” (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

4. Kindness goes a long way. Let’s just be honest about how easy it is to speak with harsh, insensitive words to the people we are closest to. We can inflict a lot of damage and build up dangerous barriers to intimacy in our marriage with a single careless word. But what if we make appreciation and a tender smile the bread and butter of our marriage? My sweet husband is the one who demonstrated these to me. Every time I walk into the room his face lights up as he looks me in the eye and greets me excitedly. (Sheesh, what else can a girl ask for?!) His joy and positivity motivate me to reciprocate, offering affirmation and appreciation for any little thing. It may seem strange to thank him for simply going to work or doing things around the house that I expect him to do, but don’t we all want to be appreciated for everything we do? Appreciation and general good-will toward your partner not only builds them up, but will also change your heart to become truly more gracious and humble. I heard a show on the radio when I was in middle school that has stuck with me. They speaker encouraged spouses to never speak negatively of the other’s character in the presence of others but to always build them up. I started doing this then for a friend of whom I was extremely jealous and resentful, and it really changed my attitude toward her! I realized that my issues were not her fault but resided in my own ugly insecurity…which is just the flip-side of pride. This junk totally works in marriage. Even if all you have for your man the first time is, “Gee, he sure is great at changing light bulbs,” you may begin notice many other great qualities and ways he shows love for you! In the process, the Holy Spirit will begin to do a beautiful work of adorning your heart with “the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” (1 Peter 3:4)

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

5. Believe the best. “Are you sure you remember how to get there? Last time you got lost.” “If you don’t follow my instructions perfectly, you’ll mess up dinner again.” “You better not act awkward at this party… You make us both look bad!” Probably the lowest point in my marriage so far was when Michael once told me in exasperation, “I feel like you just expect me to fail.” Well….I guess I really did…what a jerk. Because men are hard-wired to need our respect and approval, they are probably more sensitive than we (or they) realize to our doubt and dissatisfaction. But what if at every turn we treated them as if they had already succeeded? A man who is told he is strong, able and trustworthy is much more likely to rise to the occasion than one who is berated and held in suspicion. He will be more motivated to thrive and succeed and learn and grow than if he has to prove himself again and again. Try treating him as if he’s already been an incredible husband and/or father for the last 100 years! This is much more likely to propel him into that role than if his help-mate constantly fears the future and expresses no confidence in his abilities or likelihood of success in each new situation or season of life. One of my favorite wedding presents was a plaque with instructions on “The Art of Marriage.” My favorite line says, “A good marriage is giving each other a safe place in which to grow.” Let’s invite growth by letting go of yesterday and believing the best today!

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

“[God] does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:10-12)

6. Do first what only you can do. In 2011, in anticipation of our wedding day, Michael told me he was so excited to have a “buddy” to do life with, forever. “Forever-buddies,” I said. The term stuck! I am his ONLY forever-buddy. He has only 1 wife, and he needs my love and trust more than anything. In marriage, we are in this together, forever; we are One. My failures become his, and his become mine. And the same applies for our successes and strengths. I am called to trust him over and over, to pray for him always, and to be his advocate, helper, and cheerleader. Only *I* have that role. Am I stewarding my role well? Am I acting like we are ONE and building into this holy covenant? Or do I enjoy knocking him down, destroying our foundation brick by brick? Am I acting like his forever-buddy?? Compared to the demands of children, work, ministry or my social life, my absolute priority in my life is to be the godly wife God has commanded me to be. I am not “one” with any other person, not even my children. My heart belongs to one man and we will both reap great joy when I pour myself passionately into serving him.

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'” (Genesis 2:18)

“[Jesus said], ‘Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.'” (Matthew 19:4-6)

I hope that you walk away both challenged and encouraged. Remember, “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence.” (2 Peter 1:3) We are not equipped to do any of this stuff by our own power. This might sound terribly offensive, but I don’t know how any non-believers stay married. I know that I couldn’t do it without the help of the living God dwelling within me, showing me my sin and empowering me to love out of the overflow of His love for me!! I pray that every woman who reads this will be motivated to FIRST pursue deeper intimacy with Jesus. If you don’t know him, I hope that you will let go of your fear and pride and give your whole self to the One “who gave himself for our sins to deliver us from the present evil age.” (Galatians 1:4) Because, “to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” (John 1:12)

[Disclaimer: I want to emphasize again that respect does not mean agreeing with everything your husband does or submitting to his will unto sin. If you are experiencing abuse–physical, verbal, emotional or otherwise–you will need a whole different set of tools that you may not find here. Remember that your role as a wife is NEVER meant to CHANGE your husband’s behavior. That will only lead you into destructive cycles of manipulation and co-dependancy that may need to be addressed with professional biblical counseling. Feel free to send me a message if you need assistance in finding this type of help.]

K’reate your own K’tan!

Posted on January 11, 2014 by samanthaqlawing under Projects

Sorry for the lame-o title. I couldn’t resist. 🙂

A good friend of mine introduced me to the Baby K’tan infant carrier this summer, and she said she loves hers. It’s soft, stretchy, breathable for baby, comfortable and supportive for mom… What’s not to love?

…Well, the price… They’re $40 at Target! And its just 2 strips of fabric!! So I made my own for $12. With 2 yards of jersey knit fabric I created this sucker in less than 20 minutes.

I chose a rayon/spandex blend from Stylishfabric.com. Some of their jersey knits are $4/yard! I ended up only needing 1.5 yards to hold my tiny newborn, but you may use more for a bigger kid.

Cut two strips, 18 inch-wide, 60 inches long. Cut one in half length-wise, creating 3 strips: two 30 inches long, one 60 inches long. (The 30 in strips are perfect for my 9-10 pounder. You might add 1/4 in for every additional pound of baby.)

Set the long strip aside. Sew the ends of the two shorter strips together, creating two loops. (They might seem small, but they will streeeeeeeetch once you add your Chunk-o-Baby.)

NOW YOU’RE DONE SEWING!!
(Jersey knits don’t need finished edges, they don’t unravel!)

Gearing up:

Put one loop over one shoulder, then cross the other over the other shoulder.

Put your lion, I mean, Baby over your shoulder, and tuck their feet inside the X.

Check out that cute post-baby-belly-pudge! 😉

Spread the bottom layer of the X over baby’s bottom, then the top layer.

You can tuck in their head if they don’t have the whole neck-thing down yet.

There ya have it!

The longer strip is optional, but I found that the extra support it offers is MUCH better on mama’s back. Center it across your belly, under baby’s bottom.

Cross it over in the back, and bring the ends back around. Tie it in a little knot under baby’s bottom and spread it out.

Now pat yourself on the back and ENJOY!! (For more info and positions, visit babyktan.com)

Without the support-sash.

With support-sash.

What’s in a Name?

Posted on January 8, 2014 by samanthaqlawing under Life

Michael and I weren’t married long before we started picking out names for our kids. I told him when we were dating that I wanted 3-12 kids… And he still asked me to marry him! HA! So we had to start thinking well about all these names. My philosophy on naming is this: I want a name that 1.) harbors the Gospel in some way, and 2.) tells a meaningful story about the life of our Family.

Silas Judson Lawing is named after 3 missionaries and one great-great-grandfather.

* Silas *

Silas P. Dennis

Part 1: Michael’s great-grandpa, Silas P. Dennis, was a hard man. He was also incredibly respectable. He survived the Depression and took his family from extreme poverty to great wealth through his own diligent work ethic. Grandpa Silas’s youngest son is Michael’s grandpa. Pop is tough on the outside just like his father, but he has been a ROCK and a steady father-figure in Michael’s life. We love and respect him immensely. Naming our firstborn after Pop’s father is intended to show deep admiration and reverence for the whole Dennis Family.

Part 2: “About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them, and suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken. And immediately all the doors were opened, and everyone’s bonds were unfastened. … And the jailer called for lights and rushed in, and trembling with fear he fell down before Paul and Silas. Then he brought them out and said, ‘Sirs, what must I do to be saved?’ And they said, ‘Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household.’ And they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to all who were in his house.” Acts 16:25-26, 29-32.

Silas of the Bible is described as a “leading man among the brothers” (Acts 15:22). He is a notable Apostle who worked alongside Paul to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. “Apostle” is from the Greek apostolos, meaning “sent ones.” I hope to train into my son 3 key traits learned from the life of this “sent one”: spiritual leadership, a heart for missions and evangelism, and joy in the midst of suffering. Silas and Paul were seized, beaten and chained for proclaiming the power of Jesus, and yet they continued to love those who persecuted them and sing praises to God! I pray that my son will have the same boldness and unquenchable passion for the Gospel!!

* Judson *

Adoniram Judson

The first Baptist foreign missionary from the United States, Adoniram Judson was a model of Phillipians 3:8 — “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him.” In 1812, at the age of 24, Judson and his new wife responded to God’s call on their lives by sailing to Burma to translate scripture and steward the Gospel in a land where Jesus had not been named. Judson lost his first and second wife and several children to disease, yet he only took one furlough. When he did return (briefly) to the US, he championed the cause of world missions. After an unbelievably hard life spent prodigiously on the mission field, he died at sea of chronic illness.

Pastor John Piper’s biographical sermon on Adoniram Judson–titled, “How Few There Are Who Die So Hard”–was formational in my understanding of and calling to missions. Michael and I both know that we, like Judson, are called to spend our lives to bring the Gospel to places where Jesus is not known–no matter the cost. Our son has been born in the midst of a season of preparation as we logistically move toward responding to this call. We realized when I was pregnant with Silas that he, by default, is also called to missions. Just as Adoniram Judson was given a specific calling by God to glorify Him via frontier missions, we want our son to know that he has a unique calling on his life ordained by God. Wherever we end up, for however long, we want Silas to learn with us from the lives of missionaries like Judson that there is no suffering for the the cause of Christ that will not be met by unending, immeasurable JOY in Jesus. Because Christ is WORTH IT. We have written this into Silas Judson’s very identify.

Adoniram Judson said on his deathbed: “The question, brothers, is not whether we will die. The question is whether the death we die will bear much fruit.” I encourage you to listen to John Piper’s compelling talk on Adoniram Judson at http://www.desiringgod.org/biographies/how-few-there-are-who-die-so-hard (But be careful! You too might be called to missions!!)

* Lawing *

James Michael Lawing, Jr.
Beginning a new legacy!

It might seem obvious that our kid would inherit our last name, but there was actually a choice involved. It all goes back to Michael’s dad. Michael is named after his father, James Michael Lawing, Sr. However, Mr. Lawing’s life story is one of tragedy, addiction, abandonment, and an untimely death. Michael last saw him at age 12, and I never met him before he died in 2010. Beyond the substance abuse and squandering of his parental responsibilities, the most tragic part is that Michael’s dad was not a follower of Jesus. Since Michael did not have a relationship with him, had no contact with any other Lawings, and felt that there was not much to respect about his father, we considered taking on Michael’s grandparent’s name when we got married. The name Lawing felt lonely and dark. However, after much thought and heart-wrenching discussion, Michael and I got hung up on this point: the Gospel is a story of Redemption–taking worthless things and making them beautiful.

We realized that we have the chance to Redeem this name, to raise up a new generation that loves selflessly, embraces responsibility, and lives in the freedom that is only found in Christ! Michael does not come from a long line of Christians–even grandpa Silas never walked with Jesus–and it is truly a miracle the way the Holy Spirit himself revealed Gospel truths to Michael and called him not only to salvation in Christ but to a life of vocational ministry and missions. Our heritage is what it is, and we want our young family to learn from the past and establish a new trajectory for our name that is centered on Christ. Christians are broken, messed up people that are repurposed to bring Glory to God through dying-to-self and fixing their eyes on Christ’s work on the cross. That sounds like us!!!

***

I hope that you are encouraged by these accounts and are led to praise God for how he has worked in the life of YOUR family–the suffering and the joy. May we all use our heritage to propel us into a deeper appreciation of how God reconciles broken people to himself!

Image

Silas Judson Lawing

I thought Silas’s birth story would be a fitting first-post for the “birth” of this blog! *(Caution: I’ve included a few graphic anatomical terms for accuracy. Read at your own risk!)*

***

“If you were this far progressed at 39 weeks, I would send you to the hospital to have your water broken; I would not let you go home.”

Sitting with our midwife in the doctor’s office at 36 weeks pregnant, Michael and I were shocked by what the midwife told us after my first anatomical check: I was already 3 cm dilated and “very effaced.” Our midwife, Kathy, seemed surprised that I had been progressing without feeling many Braxton-Hicks contractions. What was also surprising, however, was that she was so ready to offer medical interventions. We lived an hour from the hospital, so her main concern was that when I did go into labor it would probably go fast. However, I knew I wanted to have an unmedicated birth—that’s why we chose to see a midwife instead of an obstetrician. Michael and I had spent the last 6 months researching, reading books, listening to birth stories, watching documentaries, and asking almost every mom we know about her thoughts on natural childbirth. We learned above all things that God has uniquely designed a woman’s body to carry, birth, and support the life of her child. The more a woman can learn to trust her body and God’s design for childbirth and know that she is capable of bringing her own child into the world in relative peace, relaxation, love and joy, the more “successful” she will be at having a natural, unmediated, vaginal birth.

We were hooked. The more I studied and the more Michael got excited about supporting and coaching me through labor, the more confident and calm I felt about having this type of birth. (Disclaimer: I do NOT believe there is any moral issue regarding medical interventions in labor and birth. But having talked with women who have done it both ways—excluding those who had epidurals that just didn’t take—all of them would choose to have another natural birth over a medicated birth. That was enough for me.)

After that 36-week visit when our midwife acted as if I could spontaneously go into labor any minute, it became incredibly hard to wait on the baby. I know now why many women opt out of ever having a cervical check. It definitely creates expectations. The expectations only intensified when we found out that I was 4 cm and 90% effaced the next week. I was also told my bag of water was “bulging” and the baby’s head was very, very low. He had been head-down since 28 weeks and my sore pelvic bones could attest to how low he was. I had also been losing the mucus plug over time (with “bloody show”) since 36 weeks. Again, the anticipation was seriously building.

Anticipation turned to anxiety when, at 38 weeks and 3 days (still pregnant, still about 4cm) Michael’s employer assigned him to work in Henderson, NC—3 hours from home—staying in a hotel overnight Tuesday through Friday. My anxiety turned to near panic when his company told him his assignment the following week would be in Richmond, VA—5 hours from home! If he agreed to go, he would be arriving back home around 11pm the night of my due date. The only alternative was to take unpaid time-off, which would shorten the amount of time-off we could afford after Baby came. With our midwife (and birthing class teacher) convinced I could go into very quick labor at any time, this option seemed not only very sad and lonely, but incredibly risky: even if Michael could drop what he was doing on his job site in Virginia and rush straight to the hospital, and even if he made it in time for the birth itself, I would still have to labor for at least 5 hours without my best friend, my birth coach, my baby’s wonderful father. This quickly became NOT an option for us. So what do we do??

…Well, our midwife did say she would break my water at 39 weeks… Would we consider going that route??

I began to pray intently, crying out to the Lord for wisdom. The week Michael was working in Henderson I went to stay with my oldest sister, Kelly, who was studying to be my doula. More than anything, she was an incredibly supportive resource about natural birth (having done it herself!) and a great sounding board as I processed all of my thoughts and concerns leading up to the birth. (And my nieces, Blakely and Sydney, were great distractions!)

Praise God for sisters!! The Lord was so good, so near, and so comforting in all this upset, and I knew the Holy Spirit was drawing me close, inviting me to trust that He had a plan in all this, even if it was different from our own plans.

At the end of week 39, on December 13, we had another scheduled appointment with the midwife. Michael would work for half of Friday in Henderson then drive to Albemarle to meet me at the house, and we would ride together to Charlotte to the doctor’s office. I had been praying all week that we would know what to do after this appointment: either go straight to the hospital to have them break my water, or trust the natural process and hope I’d go into labor before Michael had to leave for Virginia.

Just to throw one more kink into things, on the way to the appointment I got a call from the doctor’s office: our midwife would not be able to see us that day because she had to go attend another birth at the hospital; could we reschedule for next week? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? NO WAY!! I asked if there was ANYONE else who could see us today at 3pm, and we were reassigned to see a random Ob from the practice. Such is life.

After some routine questions came the moment of truth: the cervical check revealed that I was not 4, not 5, but **6 cm dilated!** And 100% effaced!!

“And you’re sure you’re not in labor??” the doctor gawked at me. Uh, yep. Not in labor.

Even before we told him we lived an hour from the hospital he said he was going to call our midwife (who was already at the hospital) and let her know we were coming to have my water broken.

I asked: “If they break my water tonight, how confident do you feel that I could successfully have an unmedicated, vaginal birth?” I had heard the stories about the “cascade of interventions” that often occurs when labor is induced prematurely and natural contractions don’t pick up immediately. I knew I did NOT want Pitocin: this synthetic form of oxytocin tends to make contractions so much stronger and more painful and prevents the mother’s brain from producing its own natural pain-fighting hormone cocktail. And I definitely didn’t want a cesarean: recovery is normally longer and harder, and sometimes you miss out on the early bonding immediately after birth. And above all, I wanted to ensure the health of my baby. (Side note: the 6-8 bouts of hiccups he was having every day gave me confidence that his lungs were probably developing well! I had had a very healthy pregnancy and Baby was measuring right on average for size, so I wasn’t really worried about his health if he came a week early.)

To my question, the doctor responded: “You’re 60% of the way there already. You’re as good a candidate as they come.”

When we gathered ourselves and came out of the exam room, 4 nurses had congregated in the hallway. “Congratulations!! We heard you’re going to have your baby today!” one of them said. “Are you sure you’re not in labor?” asked another. “It my birthday today; you’re DEFINITELY going to have a baby before midnight!…And you’re SURE you’re not in labor??” said another nurse. Maybe that was my 15 minutes of fame. While I had had a healthy, uneventful pregnancy, I had also gained over 50 lbs and never exercised regularly. I thought it was those super-thin, active preggos who have quick labor, not me. It was a mystery how I had progressed so far, and I definitely felt like a medical anomaly.

Walking excitedly out of the doctor’s office—feeling some pressure to go to the hospital but still unsure of what we wanted to do—I realized I was really hungry. We decided to head to Zoe’s Kitchen for a quick dinner, and on the way we contacted our families to update them and seek advice. When we got to the restaurant I called the hospital to let them know we were not coming immediately; we still wanted to think about our options. We would let them know within an hour what we decided to do.

On the phone with our families during our “last meal!”

“I’m sorry, you need to come here IMMEDIATELY,” the nurse said urgently. “You are a liability, and its extremely dangerous for you to be walking around 6cm dilated. Your doctor ordered you to come here and you need to come back to the hospital RIGHT AWAY!”

Uhhhmm….I’m not sure if they can really force me to induce labor, but the urgency in the nurse’s voice was enough to tip the scales for me: “Michael, let’s just go have a baby!!” We quickly (and nervously) ate our “last meal,” and made our way back to the hospital. Our families were all in route and we were getting really excited! We checked in at the hospital (which is really fun when you’re not in labor!), and got settled into a room. Our first nurse, Sarah, gathered some preliminary data on the fetal heart monitor and confirmed that no, indeed, I was not in labor. (Thank you. As if I would not notice…)

Here we go!!!

Our midwife, Kathy, came in about an hour later and we talked about all the options. She agreed with the doctor: they would be stunned if I did not immediately go into labor after she broke my water. When she checked my cervix, she said with a look of awe, “Ya know, I could stretch you to 7cm.” Holy. Cow. Seven centimeters without ever having gone into labor. So we went for it. One crochet hook and a warm gush later, we were past the point of no return. I got up to use the bathroom, and before I even made if back to the bed, I felt the first contraction. Within 10 minutes, the contractions were regular and increasing in length and intensity, about 4 minutes apart. Alright! This is really happening!! My sister, Kelly, arrived first, followed by Michael’s mom. After about an hour, my mom and other sister, Casey (who was 7.5 months pregnant!), arrived. By that point I was in serious pain. Well at least we knew I wouldn’t need Pitocin!

Michael, Kelly and I had practiced many different breathing and massage techniques for labor. But since I technically started labor in the “transition phase” (7cm and beyond, notoriously the fastest and most painful stage of labor), I didn’t want anyone to touch or talk to me AT ALL. Part of me felt bad that there was nothing for anybody to do, especially Michael. I knew he really wanted to help me cope with this crazy-terrible pain. But all I wanted was to sit on my knees on a folded up yoga mat with my arms folded on the bed (or the labor ball or Michael’s lap) with my head down, eyes closed. I breathed, I moaned, and I MOVED. I could not keep my hips still and you would have had to sedate me to get me to lie down in bed! I tried sitting on the labor ball: nope, not enough range of motion. I tried laboring in a warm bath: I had one contraction and it was AWFUL. I was too confined! I sat on the toilet for a while and rocked back and forth and rolled my neck around. That was the only alternative when my knees got tired of the floor. I know what they mean now when they say that the birthing mother will withdraw into herself. I said very few words and had my eyes closed through 95% of the labor and birth, but I was still amazingly aware of everything that was going on in the room. It was incredible to just relax and trust what my body was doing.

When the contractions became most painful, I kept feeling like I wanted to let go and cry, but I knew if I didn’t stay in control of my emotions everything would fall apart. If I let myself get distressed, the increased adrenaline would lower my body’s production of oxytocin and slow down the labor. I had to stay on top of it.

The pain level continued to escalate until I felt like I could not handle it anymore. I wanted to cry…I wanted to scream…for a while I felt like I might die… At this point my mom reminded me: “This is as hard as it will get, Sammi. These contractions wont get any worse!” And she was right. I knew the end was in sight. Throughout all this, I never even considered an epidural. Maybe it was because I knew it was already too late, but I’d like to think part of it was will-power and faith. I had trusted the Lord to get me this far and I knew He had equipped my body and would equip my mind for the hardest parts yet to come. I had to just keep pressing on.

After 2 hours of HARD laboring I started feeling an urge to push. Michael raised the head of the bed to 90 degrees, and I knelt over the back of it and held onto his hands. “I think I feel the urge to push!” I said. “I think you’ll KNOW when you need to push,” my mom replied. “Well then, I NEED TO PUSH!” The midwife I had just come back and I could see over my shoulder that they were getting the warmer and other equipment ready for the baby. (So exciting!!) Kathy quickly checked me again: 9 cm. Almost there. I knew that the only risk to indulging this first urge to push is that I could risk causing an inflammation of that last remaining centimeter of cervical tissue. This means that if you push too soon, the cervix can actually close back in and prolong labor. No thanks, I do NOT want to drag this thing out!! Kathy suggested that I push lightly on every-other contraction. They were about 30 seconds apart now and so unbelievably painful. Pretty soon the slight urge to push became a desperate, head-to-toe, all-encompassing demand from every cell of my insides that I MUST push this thing OUT!!!! The most terrifying part of the whole experience was the sounds I began to make at this point. I went from light breathing in the beginning, to deeper, heavy breaths, to low moans, to louder moans, to deeper and louder cries, to thunderous growling and yelling! I intentionally kept my eyes closed because I knew I sounded completely psychotic. (Imagine a bear fighting a tiger fighting a woman in labor. Yep. That.)

And this is when things got crazy. I was still on my knees with my backside to the midwife. I was grasping Michael’s hand with both of mine and bearing down HARD when the pushing urges came. At once point I was so overcome with the pressure and pain that my whole body was convulsing and I bit onto Michael’s finger. Really, I just craved the sensation of something pushing against the front of my teeth—I didn’t bite very hard. But later Michael told me he immediately decided he was willing to sacrifice a chunk of his finger to the cause! What a man!!

Soon Kathy suggested that I turn over. (No way! I thought.) “Where do you want us to put the baby if you push him out like this??” “I’ll roll to the right!!” I huffed. It seemed like a legitimate plan to me! I really didn’t want to be on my back! But a few contractions later she demanded that I turn over; apparently there was a small lip on the anterior of my cervix that wouldn’t open up because the weight of the baby had been putting pressure on the same spot this whole time. I complied. Michael took my right leg under the knee, my mom took my left. And I continued to push.

After a couple pushes I sensed the energy in the room getting really intense. Between contractions, I opened my eyes and looked at Kathy. “You’ve GOT to get this baby out, Samantha. On this next push you’ve GOT TO GET HIM OUT.” I knew immediately what she wasn’t saying. I had read enough birth stories to know: the baby’s heart-rate was dropping as he was being squeezed through the birth canal. I know that this is a serious concern, but I also know several moms and babies who have experienced this and successfully delivered before any permanent damage was done. So, by the grace of God, I didn’t panic. Not at all. In fact, I thought, I can’t push him out on the next contraction. But give me 2 or 3 more and I know I can do it! I knew we were close! I could feel right where he was!! And with the next push, he wasn’t out–but he was crowning. They wheeled around a mirror and told me to look. Yep, there was the head. That was motivating! With the next contraction and another ear-splitting howl, I pushed again. “You’ve got to get him out NOW, SAMANTHA!!” Kathy said. This was getting serious. Sometime during these pushes, Kathy told me she’d have to cut me. “Do it!!” I always thought this would be the pinnacle of pain in an unmediated birth. But that small cut was kind of like stubbing one toe while the other leg is being run over by a train. It was a minor sting in comparison to my whole body being split in half from the inside out.

Michael told me later that the baby’s heart rate dipped down to around 40 bpm during this time. (Whew. I’m so, so glad they turned down the volume on that fetal monitor!!) He also said that sometime during these few pushes, Kathy told one of the nurses to call the OR and get ready for us. Praise be to God that this is the one major detail I missed during the birth! Every one in the room was terrified. Except me.

After one more push, I opened my eyes to see a blonde nurse I had not noticed before standing 6 inches from my face: “Ok, Samantha, STOP SCREAMING. Tuck your chin down. Hold your breath. NOW PUUUUSH!!!” What great advice! I had no idea how much power I was losing through all the yelling. Once I kept my mouth shut and channeled the desperate agony into muscular power, we really made progress! But Baby still wasn’t out. On the next push (I think only the fourth since Kathy first told me I HAD to get him out) my mom, both of my sisters, Michael, his mom, and two nurses all moved in and started yelling and cheering: “COME ON SAMMI!! PUSH, SAMMI, PUSH!! COME ON, YOU CAN DO IT!!!!” With one final tsunami-force push, I watched in the mirror as his whole head emerged! Some people say that after the head the rest of the body sort of falls out, but that was not the case for me. I had to push again pretty hard to deliver the shoulders. Then—THERE HE WAS. All of him. But he was rather blue…and limp. Kathy turned him on his belly and rubbed his back with two quick swipes. I heard a gurgle. I saw a squirm. WHEW. He was ok.

She laid him on my chest. “Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh, OH MY GOSH.” I kept saying. I held one hand on his back and with my other hand held his head.

Oh my gosh.

Silas Judson Lawing arrived at 9:08pm. He was 7 lbs, 10 oz, and 20 inches of PERFECTION. (With the exception of a serious cone-head. Poor baby. He was upside-down for 12 weeks and then squeezed tightly through a very small opening!)

“You did it. THERE’S OUR BABY,” Michael whispered low in my ear. It was so surreal. Only 2 hours of labor and 30 minutes of pushing, and he was HERE.

Technically, this birth story should be ending now, but the next part was so unexpectedly intense that I have to include it…

“Did you ever think you could love someone so much?” Michael’s mom said from over his shoulder.

Umm…no…but, “I’m still really hurting!” I said. I’ve heard many people say that after the delivery all pain is forgotten and some women don’t even notice the delivery of the placenta. Not the case for me! I continued to have really strong contractions, and I knew that since Kathy needed to start stitching me up, she would have to hurry along this third stage of birth. We had maybe 5 or 6 minutes of reprieve before she began tugging on the cord. “Gosh, this REALLY HURTS,” I said quietly. Everyone was gathered excitedly around the bed and we were so relived that my baby boy was healthy but I was so confused by the continued pain. Its supposed to all be over now. But this still really hurts! Kathy asked who was going to cut the cord. I knew Michael didn’t really want to, so I asked my mom if she wanted to. She was thrilled! Then after a hasty delivery of the (HUGE) placenta, Kathy gave me 4 numbing shots and started stitching.

Kathy continued stitching as I held my baby close on my skin. My mom asked if I wanted someone to take him for me—they could all see better than I could that I was seriously bleeding. And I was definitely hurting. But holding my precious baby boy, my sweet, sweet love, was the best treatment for the pain. I was reminded that all of this agony has a purpose. And every second of it is worth it.

Silas started sucking his thumb just minutes after birth!

After the stitches and a Percocet, I took a few more minutes to gather myself. There were 5 family members in the room with me but 11 more in the waiting room. Still, it was over an hour after the birth before I was ready for visitors. But once everyone came in (and the Percocet kicked in), I finally felt relaxed. I was so glad to share our little wonder with all the people we care about!

We had quite a crowd!

Blakely was so excited to meet her cousin!

My parents with Sydney and Blakely.

Thanks to those pain meds, I was able to really enjoy the following few hours. Even when we finally settled down at 2am for our first night, I was so thrilled that our Baby Boy had finally come, I couldn’t sleep! I kept watching him peacefully breathing through the clear wall of the basinet beside my bed. That tiny face, that golden hair. He was so perfect!!

While my recovery in the following week was tough, we have been unceasingly grateful that God has given Silas to us. He is a precious gift, an undeserved blessing. We pray daily for the Spirit to empower us to be good stewards of his life. We desperately need wisdom to raise Silas to know and love and fear God.

We look forward to sharing more about this incredible journey called parenting!!

My Family.

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Know & Be Known

All is loss but to know Jesus